Today is Sanctity of Life day.
SONG FOR THIS POST: Always by Switchfoot
The issue we are considering today is one of person-hood and it is a conversation that must start with you...in the stillness of your heart.
As a mother: I have been taught that each woman was created to nurture life.
As a woman: I have been taught that successfully choosing how to accomplish all the desires of my heart in one lifetime is not a destination, but a journey.
As a person that gets paid to create and interpret art: I have been taught that the most fulfilling thing I can do with my talents and efforts is to enable, participate and effectively communicate with the talents and efforts of other people.
As someone that is currently 9 months pregnant: I have been taught that babies in the womb: 1. have physical needs 2. can bring great joy to a person and a community 3. require nurturing, nourishment and consideration just like my my family and just like all of my friends with whom I have been eternally linked 4. babies in the womb can warm hearts and soften the harshness of life just like those same friends and family members.
As a volunteer counselor for a crisis pregnancy center: I have been taught that most people (women and men) facing an unplanned pregnancy are also facing many other uncertainties in their life. 1. They have physical needs 2. They need a reason for great joy and people with whom to share that joy 3. They need to be nurtured, nourished and considered by loving companions 4. They feel lonely and unfairly treated by life.
As a teacher: I know that the biggest and most important success you can have in life is to give someone else the opportunities and skills to create a life of there own.
Please, friends, be smart as you interact with life. It is so sacred and so important. It is powerful, influencing, sophisticated, ugly, difficult, beautiful, touching, annoying, and just like the trees of the earth sacrifice their seed to replenish her drought, so human life requires us to sacrifice pieces of ourselves for the lives of others.
Abortion is a choice, but only a small part of that choice involves a positive pregnancy test and the question that inevitably follows - Start asking the questions now. Start with these: What is life? Have you sanctified it today?
Why does sanctity of life align with the Christian message?
Christ suffered death so that we could know without a doubt that when we think it is all over, there is hope:
"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." (Romans 6:4)
And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away." (Mark 4:24-25)
"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:3-7)
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (Psalm 119:50)
"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The Gray Swan...
NOTE: I cannot recommend anyone seeing this movie, ever. It is highly disturbing and may actively offend you on many levels. With that being said:
I saw this movie called "The Black Swan" while stuck playing on the road. It was late, there was a laud of icy snow coating the ground, hardly anyone was downtown or in the theater and my husband and young child were hundreds of miles away. I was quickly warped back to my college days when I would wait until my practice egg timer for the week had rung and treat myself to a solo movie.
My thoughts were so moved that it made me want to share them:
My thoughts were so moved that it made me want to share them:
Song for this post:
1. This movie accurately represents the intensity of a really affective artistic process.
2. Nina, the main character, is incredibly unstable, undeveloped, ignorant, sheltered and entirely too identifiable.
3. The creative side of the mind is stubborn and powerful and should be honored with patience and reverence.
4. It took a hallucinating suicidal abuse victim to accurately represent the feeling I have when I am doing my job correctly.
There is a verse from the fifth chapter of Matthew in the Bible that says,
“Be ye perfect as I am perfect.”
The context of this verse speaks of loving others, befriending those who attempt to harm you, and there is a beautiful quote from verse 45 that says, “Making your sun to rise on both the evil and the good.” I think of this often, while playing and while living.
My musings after the movie went back to being 19 and seeing my teacher’s as heroes. Musicians that I heard were still undiscovered by me and as I listened to them, I sat in awe of the way their musical investments and sound artistry made my mind wander. I thought of the curiosity I felt when my body responded to their sound – how? why? is this a predictable reaction? are other people around me feeling this too?
“Be ye perfect as I am perfect.”
The context of this verse speaks of loving others, befriending those who attempt to harm you, and there is a beautiful quote from verse 45 that says, “Making your sun to rise on both the evil and the good.” I think of this often, while playing and while living.
I learned at those concerts: The spectrum of human emotions and experience as seen and heard in works of art is directly illuminated by the reflections of the people that are observing. (Make your sun rise on both the evil and the good.) Be it the artist or the audience, we must open ourselves up to the realities that we wish to understand and imitate, but be warned! This may come at great personal expense. In the movie, Nina didn’t have to become the black swan to dance the black swan, and she wasn’t really the white swan. She had just not yet discovered her gray. At the moment that we shared with her in this film, she was spoiled by entitlement and affirmation, imprisoned by the validation of others and she accidentally built her life around a singular, undefined goal, mostly because no one warned her not to. And the underbelly of that selfish ambition turned out to be something much more dangerous than success. Something none of her heroes wished for her:No life at all.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The road less taken...
I know you are all familiar with this poem by Robert Frost. I just read it again and it felt like it was for the first time.
Make a list of things that influence which path you choose to take in life. Here is my list:
Priority Changes based on life experience, observations and the new perspectives those things bring.
Relationships in business and with old friends.
Marriage, Children and other family matters.
Mentor influence from people that I have a natural or developed respect for.
My passions and the things that I have a lot of experience doing.
Success and Confidence vs. Failure and Insecurities
Feelings of spiritual enlightenment or personal darkness.
I feel like my life has already had so many twists and turns, but some things have stayed the same. Instead of two paths that I am looking down, I feel like it is a lamp that shines around my feet and dims the further I gaze ahead. I can only see the path when I turn around it seems. I like that Robert Frost could peer down one path and try to see what lay there, but the reality is that his first stride was a step of faith. I certainly attempt to see the future implications of my decisions, but rarely can I see very far. At some point all of my commitments will influence me and at some point I became ok with that.
This has not been an easily adopted philosophy...I always felt very upset by the oppressive chains of other's opinions until I started to think of them differently. They are not chains, they are ropes. Ropes that support me as I climb this mountain called life. I can rely on these ropes, I can rest on these ropes and I can move more confidently up my mountain knowing that there are knots holding things in place. Forgive my inaccurate or shallow analogy - I am not a mountain climber by trade or hobby, but I hope you get the idea. These are the things that I can count on. I think of these ropes as unchanging commitments that occupy most of my time, I listed them in a general sense up above. This is how my time is divided, these are the trees on the wooded path that I should expect my future plans to evolve and wind through.
Psalm 119:105 is a frequently quoted scripture that is rarely set in context. It says:
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."
The context is really, really important. The 119th Psalm is an exercise for the Psalmist. He writes 8 verses for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet and every verse starts with the letter that is being studied. The Psalmist is forcing himself into extreme discipline and trying to discover creative worship by doing so. He has made a great commitment in this challenge and by the time we get to verse 105, he is already entrenched in the experience of this discipline. If it was me, I would be getting tired of the exercise and wishing that I had NOT decided to do it.
The previous letter, "Mem," sets up the first verse of "Nun" which is the letter for verse 105 (think L-M-N-O-P). The Psalmist starts "Mem" with "Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long." - I have to wonder if he is saying this because it is giving him true joy or because he is trying to convince himself that his investment is valuable to him. Both are extremely important things, but it is important to know the difference between the two.
He continues later, "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" in verse 103. I think that he says this because he is consumed by words and their usages at this moment, it is good to deeply invest yourself into things because you see attributes that you cannot see from the surface. When I am not looking for those hidden mysteries within the mundane, I become ignorant and sometimes critical about their very existence. For example, when I play long tones, I sound better. When I pull out my tuner and my metronome and play quarter note, quarter rest, quarter note, quarter rest, quarter note, quarter rest, etc. I create more depth, confidence and maturity in every aspect of my playing. But yet, I have the most intense aversion to playing long tones. I hate getting started. I feel like someone has slapped those chains on me again. I have to repeat to myself, "Oh, how I LOVE long tones! I (WILL) do them all day long. (I WILL, I really, really Will).
Verse 104: I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
Verse 105: Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I know most people say "hating every wrong path" isn't very open minded! But the reality of walking in one direction is leaving another behind. If I keep looking over my shoulder at what I am not choosing to do, I will never realize the beautiful surroundings of the path I am on. This is the hardest to believe when I have to make BIG life changes, I keep reminding myself that the wonder in the world does not come from circumstance or even self validation in relationships or the work place. The wonder comes from established commitments, more specifically, the wonder comes from investing and actively trying to be amazed.
"Your WORD is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (to study the word was the Psalmist's choice, to realize that it has guided him into enlightenment is just a really important observation)
vs. 106: "I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. (107) I have suffered much; preserve my life, O Lord, according to your word." Every time something works we are that much more likely to try it again in a similar situation in the future. I would say verse 106 like this: "I was in a tight spot. I thought of an idea and invested my heart, mind, time and soul into it. I learned some really valuable things and because of that experience, I will follow the same thought process the next time I need a good idea." and verse 107, "sometimes I felt really frustrated by these decisions, please God don't let me be an idiot for believing in these investments. I trust you, you are my priority. Show me the goodness and wonder that is to be found in my life."
It is hard to prayerfully and mindfully choose to go in a direction that seems wrong to others. The path less taken is a trail of deep self discovery, not out of joy, but out of necessity. The road that is grassy and wanted wear may not be the most desirable, the easiest, it may not be the path with the most beauty or goodness on the surface, it may be full of frustration, discipline, compromise and struggle, but if I make each choice deliberately and consult my investors, I will make valuable and memorable discoveries along that way.
I too, say this with a sigh...I cannot take two paths. But today, I am on the road less traveled and it IS making all the difference. I hope this brings you hope and encourages you to invest and observe.
Happy New Year.
-Abigail
| TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, | |
| And sorry I could not travel both | |
| And be one traveler, long I stood | |
| And looked down one as far as I could | |
| To where it bent in the undergrowth; | 5 |
| Then took the other, as just as fair, | |
| And having perhaps the better claim, | |
| Because it was grassy and wanted wear; | |
| Though as for that the passing there | |
| Had worn them really about the same, | 10 |
| And both that morning equally lay | |
| In leaves no step had trodden black. | |
| Oh, I kept the first for another day! | |
| Yet knowing how way leads on to way, | |
| I doubted if I should ever come back. | 15 |
| I shall be telling this with a sigh | |
| Somewhere ages and ages hence: | |
| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— | |
| I took the one less traveled by, | |
| And that has made all the difference. |
Make a list of things that influence which path you choose to take in life. Here is my list:
Priority Changes based on life experience, observations and the new perspectives those things bring.
Relationships in business and with old friends.
Marriage, Children and other family matters.
Mentor influence from people that I have a natural or developed respect for.
My passions and the things that I have a lot of experience doing.
Success and Confidence vs. Failure and Insecurities
Feelings of spiritual enlightenment or personal darkness.
I feel like my life has already had so many twists and turns, but some things have stayed the same. Instead of two paths that I am looking down, I feel like it is a lamp that shines around my feet and dims the further I gaze ahead. I can only see the path when I turn around it seems. I like that Robert Frost could peer down one path and try to see what lay there, but the reality is that his first stride was a step of faith. I certainly attempt to see the future implications of my decisions, but rarely can I see very far. At some point all of my commitments will influence me and at some point I became ok with that.
This has not been an easily adopted philosophy...I always felt very upset by the oppressive chains of other's opinions until I started to think of them differently. They are not chains, they are ropes. Ropes that support me as I climb this mountain called life. I can rely on these ropes, I can rest on these ropes and I can move more confidently up my mountain knowing that there are knots holding things in place. Forgive my inaccurate or shallow analogy - I am not a mountain climber by trade or hobby, but I hope you get the idea. These are the things that I can count on. I think of these ropes as unchanging commitments that occupy most of my time, I listed them in a general sense up above. This is how my time is divided, these are the trees on the wooded path that I should expect my future plans to evolve and wind through.
Psalm 119:105 is a frequently quoted scripture that is rarely set in context. It says:
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."
The context is really, really important. The 119th Psalm is an exercise for the Psalmist. He writes 8 verses for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet and every verse starts with the letter that is being studied. The Psalmist is forcing himself into extreme discipline and trying to discover creative worship by doing so. He has made a great commitment in this challenge and by the time we get to verse 105, he is already entrenched in the experience of this discipline. If it was me, I would be getting tired of the exercise and wishing that I had NOT decided to do it.
The previous letter, "Mem," sets up the first verse of "Nun" which is the letter for verse 105 (think L-M-N-O-P). The Psalmist starts "Mem" with "Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long." - I have to wonder if he is saying this because it is giving him true joy or because he is trying to convince himself that his investment is valuable to him. Both are extremely important things, but it is important to know the difference between the two.
He continues later, "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" in verse 103. I think that he says this because he is consumed by words and their usages at this moment, it is good to deeply invest yourself into things because you see attributes that you cannot see from the surface. When I am not looking for those hidden mysteries within the mundane, I become ignorant and sometimes critical about their very existence. For example, when I play long tones, I sound better. When I pull out my tuner and my metronome and play quarter note, quarter rest, quarter note, quarter rest, quarter note, quarter rest, etc. I create more depth, confidence and maturity in every aspect of my playing. But yet, I have the most intense aversion to playing long tones. I hate getting started. I feel like someone has slapped those chains on me again. I have to repeat to myself, "Oh, how I LOVE long tones! I (WILL) do them all day long. (I WILL, I really, really Will).
Verse 104: I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
Verse 105: Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I know most people say "hating every wrong path" isn't very open minded! But the reality of walking in one direction is leaving another behind. If I keep looking over my shoulder at what I am not choosing to do, I will never realize the beautiful surroundings of the path I am on. This is the hardest to believe when I have to make BIG life changes, I keep reminding myself that the wonder in the world does not come from circumstance or even self validation in relationships or the work place. The wonder comes from established commitments, more specifically, the wonder comes from investing and actively trying to be amazed.
"Your WORD is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (to study the word was the Psalmist's choice, to realize that it has guided him into enlightenment is just a really important observation)
vs. 106: "I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. (107) I have suffered much; preserve my life, O Lord, according to your word." Every time something works we are that much more likely to try it again in a similar situation in the future. I would say verse 106 like this: "I was in a tight spot. I thought of an idea and invested my heart, mind, time and soul into it. I learned some really valuable things and because of that experience, I will follow the same thought process the next time I need a good idea." and verse 107, "sometimes I felt really frustrated by these decisions, please God don't let me be an idiot for believing in these investments. I trust you, you are my priority. Show me the goodness and wonder that is to be found in my life."
It is hard to prayerfully and mindfully choose to go in a direction that seems wrong to others. The path less taken is a trail of deep self discovery, not out of joy, but out of necessity. The road that is grassy and wanted wear may not be the most desirable, the easiest, it may not be the path with the most beauty or goodness on the surface, it may be full of frustration, discipline, compromise and struggle, but if I make each choice deliberately and consult my investors, I will make valuable and memorable discoveries along that way.
I too, say this with a sigh...I cannot take two paths. But today, I am on the road less traveled and it IS making all the difference. I hope this brings you hope and encourages you to invest and observe.
Happy New Year.
-Abigail
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Fourth Day of Christmas...
Tired, but inspired by holiday concerts...
This doesn't have to be synthesized, you CAN play this live. I learned that tonight.
Amy Grant is a true classic...like a '69 mustang, but for Christmas parties.
Kenny has been with us almost as long as Amy Grant "Home for the Holidays"
also inspired by these quotes by Brock:
Holiday Beverages:
"Wassail is delicious, but can clash with Egg Nog."
Holiday Shopping:
"Well, I can tell you this much...if you can't get it on Amazon (*pause*) then you aren't getting it from me."
Holiday Spirit:
"I like the holidays! I like holiday spirit! ... I just don't like people."
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.-Isaiah 9:6
In him was life; and the life was the light of men. - John 1:4
This doesn't have to be synthesized, you CAN play this live. I learned that tonight.
Amy Grant is a true classic...like a '69 mustang, but for Christmas parties.
Kenny has been with us almost as long as Amy Grant "Home for the Holidays"
also inspired by these quotes by Brock:
Holiday Beverages:
"Wassail is delicious, but can clash with Egg Nog."
Holiday Shopping:
"Well, I can tell you this much...if you can't get it on Amazon (*pause*) then you aren't getting it from me."
Holiday Spirit:
"I like the holidays! I like holiday spirit! ... I just don't like people."
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.-Isaiah 9:6
In him was life; and the life was the light of men. - John 1:4
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
On the third day of Christmas...
A little extra time on your hands!
Christmas in the South: If You Can't Fry it, Spray Paint it Gold
Showing off the House: One of the more bizarre things about life in the South is how a dinner inevitably leads to a tour of the house. This is equally true of antibellum and double-wide homes.
Advertising the Family Name: This is the only time of year when five bucks and a poinsettia can get the family name in the church bulletin.
Promoting the Family Name: From January to Thanksgiving only real estate agents, attorneys and hookers can freely distribute photos of themselves...Christmas, however, is open season.
Holidays On Ice
The woman at Macy's asked, "Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?"
I said "Full time"
I have an appointment next Wednesday at noon.
I am a thirty-three year old man applying for a job as an elf.
Speaking of Ice
So many tv specials. It is hard to pick between them.
Who Dat?
Committed, that's who.
O Holy Third Day
It is only right to include this on this day. It's not every festive gathering that you hear caroling with a didgeridoo. Sadly, it is synthesized. Is nothing real anymore?
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matthew 5:16
Christmas in the South: If You Can't Fry it, Spray Paint it Gold
Showing off the House: One of the more bizarre things about life in the South is how a dinner inevitably leads to a tour of the house. This is equally true of antibellum and double-wide homes.
Advertising the Family Name: This is the only time of year when five bucks and a poinsettia can get the family name in the church bulletin.
Promoting the Family Name: From January to Thanksgiving only real estate agents, attorneys and hookers can freely distribute photos of themselves...Christmas, however, is open season.
Holidays On Ice
The woman at Macy's asked, "Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?"
I said "Full time"
I have an appointment next Wednesday at noon.
I am a thirty-three year old man applying for a job as an elf.
Speaking of Ice
So many tv specials. It is hard to pick between them.
Who Dat?
Committed, that's who.
O Holy Third Day
It is only right to include this on this day. It's not every festive gathering that you hear caroling with a didgeridoo. Sadly, it is synthesized. Is nothing real anymore?
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matthew 5:16
Monday, December 13, 2010
The second Day of Christmas...
Well if their going to die, they better go ahead and do it and decrease the surplus population.
Come in and know me better man!
God bless us, every one.
"Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."
-Psalm 13:3b
Come in and know me better man!
God bless us, every one.
"Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."
-Psalm 13:3b
Sunday, December 12, 2010
On the first day of Christmas...
Little Drummer Boy done a little a-rhythmically...
It is actually a touching story about that Little Drummer, I mean.
(song starts around 1:33)
A festive dance number to enjoy!
I mean, they are a pretty big deal...Tap Dancing Christmas Trees!
Click right in the middle of the video play tab and push play (around 2:07)
This was my very favorite Christmas carol growing up...wasn't it yours? Touching...
Check back tomorrow for day two!
It is actually a touching story about that Little Drummer, I mean.
(song starts around 1:33)
A festive dance number to enjoy!
I mean, they are a pretty big deal...Tap Dancing Christmas Trees!
Click right in the middle of the video play tab and push play (around 2:07)
This was my very favorite Christmas carol growing up...wasn't it yours? Touching...
Check back tomorrow for day two!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Da stürzte Gott aus seinem Hinterhalt
First a childhood, limitless and without
renunciation or goals. O unselfconscious joy.
Then suddenly terror, barriers, schools, drudgery,
and collapse into temptation and loss.
renunciation or goals. O unselfconscious joy.
Then suddenly terror, barriers, schools, drudgery,
and collapse into temptation and loss.
Defiance. The one bent becomes the bender,
and thrusts upon others that which it suffered.
Loved, feared, rescuer, fighter, winner
and conqueror, blow by blow.
and thrusts upon others that which it suffered.
Loved, feared, rescuer, fighter, winner
and conqueror, blow by blow.
And then alone in cold, light, open space,
yet still deep within the mature erected form,
a gasping for the clear air of the first one, the old one...
yet still deep within the mature erected form,
a gasping for the clear air of the first one, the old one...
Then God leaps out from behind his hiding place.
-RAINER MARIE RILKE
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Moldy Muffins
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. - Romans 14:19
To my friend, Gwen, on her birthday.
Listening: Bjork and Anthony in "Dull Flame of Desire"
Some people you know you are going to like from the second you meet them. Gwen is one of these people for me. I still remember the day I met her...on the leather couches,"Hiyeh! I'm Abigail. Do you play bassoon?" I loudly included myself into her first day at the next major step in her life..."I noticed the case!"
It all sounds so lame now, to remember...
Gwen and I became fast friends, mostly out of necessity (mostly HER necessity), you see...I had a car at school and she had taken the greyhound from Canada and did not. One of the first days of school, I remember taking her Canadian self to FIESTA!
I talked the entire way there, the entire time we shopped, and the entire way back. I think she still had her 500lb bassoon case with her and she looked a little in shock from me and Texas and the school, but nevertheless, she was very nice. I think I said things like, "You'll be fine." "It is really difficult at first, I remember my first week." "We will all HAVE to be friends, you see." "I think it is gonna be a great studio." "Well, Andrew knows Fei, so I think they are living together." "Where are you staying?" "Who's your roomate? some flute player?? Oh, so you like Bjork? Me too."
One thing I have learned about Gwen is that she doesn't like gossip and she is a fairly private person. She was kind to let me ask her all of these questions, she still lets me ask questions.
I know I tired her out. I still do sometimes, but at this moment, she tolerated me - I think she could tell I was at least trying to help...even if it was coming across as a little arrogant.
Sweet Gwen.
I want to share my favorite scripture in all of the Bible today. This passage truly reminds me of my friend, Gwen, and her understated willingness to incorporate all different types of people into her concept of life. And because she lives in a different country, I will send this message over the internets instead of sending a box full of muffins that are moldy when they finally arrive at her door (note: this tragedy has already occurred and I learned my lesson).
I am going to paraphrase a little:
Everybody has different gifts and ways of doing things, but all of these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and they are specially given to each one as God decides.
The body (of Christ's church in this case) is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body...
If the foot says to the hand, "Because I'm not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of that body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.
If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?
As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor...
God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
Gwen is definitely the hand to my eye. We are quite different people. But, I just wanted to share a couple of remembrances on her birthday:
-An incredible voice on the bassoon. Gwen plays with incredible passion and sincerity. Every note has significance. She plays like she lives, noticing everything and appreciating what there is to appreciate.
-Being yelled at while getting ice cream at Amy's by a belligerent guy wearing a pretentious hat.
-Teaching Gwen to drive at my parent's house over the holidays.
-Having her stop the car and get out and say that she had done enough driving.
-Always bringing up meat as a topic of conversation almost every time we speak even though she is of the vegetarian persuasion.
-Sending moldy blueberry muffins across the continent along with a bouquet of 4th of July paraphernalia so that Gwen could have a proper celebration.
...Gwen not telling me they were moldy until I persisted on how she liked their taste. ;)
-A beautiful hand drawn, hand folded note after my recital that said such uplifting, lovely things that it clearly reflected more on the sender than on the recipient.
-Homeschool Band Concert in Pensacola, Fl. Mignone Duet.
-Bad, Bad cane and Bad, Bad days with reeds in 2007-2008
-Another edifying note given at just the right time.
-Canada! and Addictively good Chocolate Gelato that she wouldn't eat.
-A gondola?!
-Loads of talk about squirrels and other woodland creatures.
-Coffee in the student center...or rather me walking to the student center in search of her knowing that she would be there getting coffee to ramp up for another late night at the studio.
-Star Pizza
-No cell phone. :(
-Sjon.
-Bjork (particularly the Bjork song that is at the top of the page)
-skyping with LOUD kitty accompaniment. and last, but not least...
-being far away from my friend
To my friend, Gwen, on her birthday.
Listening: Bjork and Anthony in "Dull Flame of Desire"
Some people you know you are going to like from the second you meet them. Gwen is one of these people for me. I still remember the day I met her...on the leather couches,"Hiyeh! I'm Abigail. Do you play bassoon?" I loudly included myself into her first day at the next major step in her life..."I noticed the case!"It all sounds so lame now, to remember...
Gwen and I became fast friends, mostly out of necessity (mostly HER necessity), you see...I had a car at school and she had taken the greyhound from Canada and did not. One of the first days of school, I remember taking her Canadian self to FIESTA!I talked the entire way there, the entire time we shopped, and the entire way back. I think she still had her 500lb bassoon case with her and she looked a little in shock from me and Texas and the school, but nevertheless, she was very nice. I think I said things like, "You'll be fine." "It is really difficult at first, I remember my first week." "We will all HAVE to be friends, you see." "I think it is gonna be a great studio." "Well, Andrew knows Fei, so I think they are living together." "Where are you staying?" "Who's your roomate? some flute player?? Oh, so you like Bjork? Me too."
One thing I have learned about Gwen is that she doesn't like gossip and she is a fairly private person. She was kind to let me ask her all of these questions, she still lets me ask questions.
I know I tired her out. I still do sometimes, but at this moment, she tolerated me - I think she could tell I was at least trying to help...even if it was coming across as a little arrogant.
Sweet Gwen.
I want to share my favorite scripture in all of the Bible today. This passage truly reminds me of my friend, Gwen, and her understated willingness to incorporate all different types of people into her concept of life. And because she lives in a different country, I will send this message over the internets instead of sending a box full of muffins that are moldy when they finally arrive at her door (note: this tragedy has already occurred and I learned my lesson).
I am going to paraphrase a little:
Everybody has different gifts and ways of doing things, but all of these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and they are specially given to each one as God decides.
The body (of Christ's church in this case) is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body...
If the foot says to the hand, "Because I'm not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of that body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.
If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?
As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor...
God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
Gwen is definitely the hand to my eye. We are quite different people. But, I just wanted to share a couple of remembrances on her birthday:
-An incredible voice on the bassoon. Gwen plays with incredible passion and sincerity. Every note has significance. She plays like she lives, noticing everything and appreciating what there is to appreciate.
-Being yelled at while getting ice cream at Amy's by a belligerent guy wearing a pretentious hat.
-Teaching Gwen to drive at my parent's house over the holidays.
-Having her stop the car and get out and say that she had done enough driving.
-Always bringing up meat as a topic of conversation almost every time we speak even though she is of the vegetarian persuasion.
-Sending moldy blueberry muffins across the continent along with a bouquet of 4th of July paraphernalia so that Gwen could have a proper celebration.
...Gwen not telling me they were moldy until I persisted on how she liked their taste. ;)
-A beautiful hand drawn, hand folded note after my recital that said such uplifting, lovely things that it clearly reflected more on the sender than on the recipient.
-Homeschool Band Concert in Pensacola, Fl. Mignone Duet.
-Bad, Bad cane and Bad, Bad days with reeds in 2007-2008
-Another edifying note given at just the right time.
-Canada! and Addictively good Chocolate Gelato that she wouldn't eat.
-A gondola?!
-Loads of talk about squirrels and other woodland creatures.
-Coffee in the student center...or rather me walking to the student center in search of her knowing that she would be there getting coffee to ramp up for another late night at the studio.
-Star Pizza
-No cell phone. :(
-Sjon.
-Bjork (particularly the Bjork song that is at the top of the page)
-skyping with LOUD kitty accompaniment. and last, but not least...
-being far away from my friend
Monday, November 8, 2010
There is something amazing about fear: A Communion Post
"A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit." - Isaiah 11:1
When I am really, really afraid I feel broken. I feel like I can't go back and moving forward puts me at a greater risk than staying put. I feel like screaming and keeping very quiet at the same time. I feel imminence and a great cloud of grayness. I feel dead. I feel like a stump of tree that used to thrive.
There is something about fear that is amazing. I'm not just talking about looking back and realizing how it all worked out. I hate it when people tell me that everything will be ok or it will all work out - I feel like by that time I will be scared of something new and won't remember to enjoy what I gained from THIS fear. So, sounding just a little jaded, I will try to explain why FEAR, real actual fear is AMAZING.
There are fears that are intoxicating, addictive, and undeniably appetizing. For example, I will eat things that are way too spicy for my digestive system and there are people, not myself, who jump out of airplanes and thrust themselves into deep waters with sharks only relying on a heavy tank of sinking air. This is a type of amazing fear, but...not really the fear I am talking about here.The fear I speak of is when you have everything set up just right, you have done everything you are supposed to do, you have a husband, a kid, a job, a fantastic instrument, an amazing family, a great church, really good friends, good food, a house with a front door and windows and beds and things, cool weather and you are sad.
The fear I speak of is when I am fighting with my husband, my family won't tell me why they can't be around me right now, my friends are acting weird, my car doesn't have ac and it is 90 degrees outside, I don't know where stuff is, I have to do someone else's laundry, I am tired all the time, I feel stuck with my life, I feel like everyone else is doing better than I am doing right now, I always say the wrong thing to my in-laws and I don't know what to do about it, when I can't get comfortable because the weather is always changing, there are toys all over the floor, everything I eat makes me feel good and bad at the same time and something is seriously wrong when I drink milk.
The fear I speak of is when things are not supposed to be difficult, but they are anyways. I think this fear is important. And I am really starting to think it is amazing.
It makes my throat growl and my shoulders squish together tensely and fall limply forward at the same time. This fear includes everything that is real and important and it means something very important to be feeling this fear, but for the life of me I don't know what it means - I just know it is very important.
The fear I speak of many times is completely unappealing, difficult and annoyingly unproductive.
"The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him - the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord and he will delight in the fear of the Lord - He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears." - Isaiah 11:2-3
My sister says that there is a point where you realize that being happy is a decision, not a reward. 
This is in that fear, this statement is the gem inside that dirty geode rock that you find. But that gem has been hidden, it has been beat down by all of the currents of life's streams and right now, it just looks like a dirty stupid rock. I want to say something about how it has to be broken to be discovered and seen and how life breaks you, but that's not really my point. My point is the amazingness of fear.
For the next part, listen to: Wayward Song by The Earlies
My point is that there is a gem. That there is a new shoot in your stump (See Isaiah verse at top of page).
My point is that there is a gem. That there is a new shoot in your stump (See Isaiah verse at top of page).
My point is:
"Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was beset as a city under siege. I had said in my alarm, I am driven far from your sight. But you heard my supplications when I cried out to you for help." - Psalm 31:21-22
"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord." - Proverbs 16:33
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will make [what is right in you] shine like the dawn. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret -- it leads only to [bad things]. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land." -Psalm 37:3-9
Honestly, it has taken me a long time and will probably continue to take me longer to learn that happiness is not getting what I want, it is not having no pain, nor is it having everyone love and understand me when I try to love and understand them, it's not always getting the job I think I deserve, or making the amount of money that I think my quality of life needs and it might not even be feeling validated or important at all. Happiness is not a lot of things that I expect it to be.
God does not ever promise that we will not have fear, or be scared, He doesn't even promise that we won't be sad or feel pain. But He does promise us that we can have hope that our fear comes from the Lord and it does not come from all of the unpredictable evil in this world. It may seem like it does sometimes, just like - I'm sure - that geode rock thinks the rough currents and rocks that it tumbles over are the cause of its ugliness. If I were that geode, I would assume my insides looked like my outside. But ultimately, in the end, no matter what that little stone thinks, the beauty will still lye within and the rough travel will only serve to give the gems inside time to get more beautiful!
The fear of the Lord is:
The beginning of wisdom
A fountain of Life
Teaches a man wisdom, humility and comes before honor
Pure and enduring forever
It is able to turn us from the "snares of death"
The key to salvation, wisdom and knowledge
It isn't necessarily contentment, happy happy and singing. It might really hurt, like a bullet or a hammer or just like life hurts sometimes in that scary way.
In THAT fear, the one that is in the grips of God, we can feel secure that it is for good reason. That we are more alive inside and we are becoming more beautiful and wise because of this fear.
Fear is amazing because it makes the good things really noticeable and it makes us think about them and wish for them and watch out for them to come, but is also amazing because it is good. Fear in itself is good. Not because of what we get out of it, not because it makes us try harder to avoid it...it is good, because it is part of the Character of God.
Mark says that Jesus told his disciples before his arrest and crucifixion, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death (14:34)" then he asked God if it would be possible to do this in any other way (vs. 36)
To me, it seems like at this moment, Jesus felt fear and even though He knew why - He didn't want to be feeling it or even face the next step ahead.
I heard a quote the other day about discipline that blew my mind:
"Discipline should be for reconciliation, not destruction."
My whole life, I have been the one that others were disciplining, now, the roles are reversed. I look back to my own experiences and I can easily remember that it certainly does not feel good to be disciplined, especially when you cannot see why you need to learn that discipline. I see that feeling very tangibly when I try to discipline my 9 month old son...he doesn't like it. But, discipline ultimately brings freedom and it has allowed me to achieve goals that I could not have achieved before, but more importantly it has given me a structure for reconciling my undisciplined self with a person that is capable of achieving those goals on a regular basis. It also is a fact, that the more disciplined I become, the stronger and more capable I feel...the teacher in me calls that freedom.
Ultimately, if I and my son had our heads on straight, we would see that discipline is hope. And fear of not knowing and waiting and being sad, that is hope as well.
I call this a communion post because it makes me remember that the blood of Jesus Christ has something to do with me. It represents Him dying so that He and those He loved could truly live. It represents the fear of death and the knowledge of the life within that death. As I take communion and feel the burn of bad wine go down the back of my throat and into the inmost parts of my being, I remember that gem and I think on THAT thing in the midst of the deeply gray clouds of my amazing fear.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Let's Make a Deal...
Let's Make a Deal...
Listening to the "It's Blitz" album by the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's
I recommend these three songs while you read if you like:
Runaway
Skeleton
Soft Shock
This week made me fully aware of the struggle that the author, Paul talks about in Romans 7. How sometimes you can't make life do what you think you want for it to work:
8 But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment (rules of life), produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9 Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, that is what I end up doing. -selected from Romans 7
You know those pictures on facebook that show all the facial expressions and you are supposed to tag-match each friend to their appropriate emoticon? Well, I will post one, because I know my mom will not know what I am talking about and I am hoping that she will read this post eventually...so, this thing:
Well, I have expressed each of those little faces to my tried and true husband THIS week.
I was gonna blog about it, but I didn't want to be THAT blogger...and also, every time I tried, I ended up realizing my logic was more optimistic than realistic, so I didn't.
In the true spirit of pragmatism, instead of the spirit of blogging, I went to a movie:
It's Kind of a Funny Story (I especially like 1:35 and 2:23)
There is a quote in the movie where Craig is trying to help Bobby figure out his positive qualities and they come up with pragmatic. He's trying to gain access to a shelter upon being released from the mental ward so that he doesn't have to be homeless, so he can get his "accountant's" daughter back...I don't wanna give anything away, so that is all I will say. Point being, that is why I started inserting the word "pragmatic" into as many sentences as possible this week and especially when referring to my husband because he looks exactly like Zach Galifianakis and is actually, quite pragmatic himself.
Trying to be more pragmatic so that I wouldn't be as crazematic, I hung out with friends, cleaned my house, cooked a lot, practiced scales and Bach, taught a bassoon lesson, hung ten with W baby, went to Sam's, went grocery shopping and...
I was invited to participate in a garage sale today...well, I invited myself, who ever knows how these things happen.
I spent the majority of Thursday and Friday getting stuff together for the sale - I was gonna turn things around for myself. I was going to clean, wake up early and facilitate people's access to treasures!
I was up until 2:30 putting prices on things after watching the Rangers game while playing Power Grid with friends. All are very important parts to my pre-garage sale routine. I think, this was, in all honesty...my first time to actually donate and sell my own stuff at a garage sale.
Things were going great. People were buying old lotions, old women were hulking over me wide-eyed while I pulled out unopened gift sets from a cardboard box...it was really happening...I was part of one of the "good ones."
I had this tv that I wanted to sell.
It was my tv from college, which was in electronic terms...ages ago.
It was outdated and it was really heavy.
To make a long story short, I dremeled a lock, borrowed my mom's car, almost injured myself and W baby lifting it from the storage unit floor onto the moving cart with no breaks and then, in an act of supernatural strength, lifted it into my mom's car, then set it up just right on the table at the garage sale and debated over the asking price, $50??? (too high - people won't ask lower and I would go lower), $25??? (too low), $35??? (I think people will just ask $30 if I put that), $40??? (ok. That sounds approachable and I would go down a bit from there, $40 it is.)
As I am walking away from a tarp full of toiletries and old t-shirts looking at my phone to text Buster, I pull out my money to count and look for change. I have already made $41 bucks!!! Holy cow. It's only like 9am. This is fun and awesome and I feel great.
It is around this time I notice my MIL pointing a young-ish man wearing "Hip-Comf" in my direction.
"Hip-Comf" - slightly thought out, young person clothing that is fitted while maintaining it's Prime Objective of being comfortable. Worn for occasions where you need to be approachable and in touch, but warm and fuzzy at the same time. "Hip-Comf."
Then money - a big wad of it. Words. $1's. Hands. Fanny packs. $20's...$5's...
Juan exits stage left, truck. I look down and I am holding $23.
No money in my pocket. No money in the change makin' fanny pack.
Just...
23 dollars.
MIL and I review the transaction. I start feeling sick. I realize I am making a Michael Scott type of awkwardness for the other treasure hunters, so I decide to get in the car and return my mom's car that I had borrowed to hawl the tv and other garage sale peripherals. I continue to review the transaction. I start to feel my brain turning into ever-tightening static. I can't stop being mad, upset, sad. I can't stop thinking about all the work I had done for the garage sale and how cheap I was letting stuff go just to have my "Big-Ticket Item" ripped from my hands along with my money. I couldn't stop thinking about that guy and the wrong he had committed me. When he said he liked my Ray-Bans was he really saying, "You clearly don't need my money, and I should get your tv."
I couldn't quiet it.
"Stop! Don't worry about it! Don't let him have your day as well as your money." nothing worked. I was sad, unstoppably sad. I was degrading and I was degrading pretty fast. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe I just hate the smell of eggs...stop.
"Jesus, take my stupid brain away." I cried at the changing red light.
I got to my mom's house and *hug* and *hi. oh, fine. you?* and *French Toast sandwiches with chocolate inside* and *inhale smell of said deliciousness* and
"I got swindled." :( ):
that is a frown followed by a mirrored empathetic frown given by my mom
"I just don't know how to be ok. I can't figure out what happened. If I don't make that $20 back it will ruin my day. Ughh. I wish I could just not think about it."
Dad: "You were victimized. He wronged you. It is ok."
then he told me a very interesting, but too long to post story about my Papa's tactics against swindlers in his restaurant. "...He just shut the register..." "One at a time..."
*quiet*
Mom: *reaches in top drawer of cabinet and pulls out a twenty and hands it to me.
Me: "No, mom. It wasn't your fault. I don't need your money. I just want to be ok in my head."
Mom: *insisting
Dad: *Gets wallet out and pulls out a $10
Me: "No, I don't want the money. It's not...
Dad: *Gives mom the ten.
*it is better and we eat...
After the toast and a couple of bites of "extra-crispy/blackened" bacon, I head back to the sale. I think about what my parents just did, how they fixed me. How they heard my concern for what it was, not the money - not even the guy, but the justice.
The fact that my excitement was killed, my joy was stripped from me by the wrong of this Juan guy. He doesn't even deserve to be worried over. I know this, and I just feel my dad lowering his eyebrows and flattening his smile as I imagine myself complaining again to my MIL. I won't do it.
I will enjoy this day BECAUSE of what they did for me. They paid to me the price I was stuck paying because of something I couldn't control, so I wouldn't have to pay it for the rest of the day.
This is exactly what Christ did. This is the gospel of Jesus Christ as it affected me today.
There are tons of verses that apply here...just go to blueletter.com and look up the word "salvation" or "propitiation" or "gospel" - but, because I don't like to be too predictable, I will go with this one:
"As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness even so must the Son of man be LIFTED UP. - John 3:14
They were getting eaten by these snakes and God told Moses to make a brass snake and lift it up. If the Israelites simply looked at the snake they would be healed from the wounds inflicted upon them by the other snakes. Lifting up the snake was an act of obedience on the part of Moses, looking at the snake that Moses lifted up was an act of faith on the part of the Israelites.
Today, I simply had to let my mom and dad demonstrate Christ to me (she held up the brass snake) and by allowing her to love me, I was healed. The implications of this are significant.
I started out by talking about Romans 7, Paul describes how he is always wanting to do one thing, but really wanting to do another (*imagine the struggle of eating healthy, verse eating delicious non-healthy things - this is a similar struggle to what I was dealing with life problems.) In Romans 8 he starts to piece some things together, here is a summary of what Paul, Juan and my parents taught me today.
Everyone sins. (Romans 3:23)
No one doesn't sin. (Romans 3:10-18)
The price of sin is death [as set by God], but God offers life through the act of Jesus. (Romans 6:23)
The act was Jesus dying for us and paying the price of our sin...(Romans 5:8)
If you can recognize in your heart that Jesus paying that price really fixed your hurts, and you are willing to admit it with your mouth, things WILL GET BETTER. -Romans 10:9
I had to stay in tune with my feelings while talking to my parents so that I could honestly examine what I could control and what I couldn't and so that I could recognize when I felt things ease up. Self examination is another topic for another day, but being completely aware of your true feelings so that you relinquish your emotions of the powers they hold over your mind...that's kind of the idea.
So, Paul continues, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." (Romans 10:13)
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1)
"THEREFORE, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)
I found this button on a Christian web site:
They wanted you to push it and then enter a bunch of personal details so that they could pray for you and send you emails about Jesus. As much as I don't like the fact that it existed on that website as a type of polling mechanism, It applied to me today. I mean to say, I started accepting him a long time ago, but because I accepted and believed Christ through the love, generosity and gentleness of my parents today, I was healed from myself, from Juan and from just a couple other things that I can't talk to YOU about.
I used the name Juan because of the obvious ease of insertion into puns (as seen above), the guy had a Mexican-sounding accent, but most importantly because John was the man, in the Bible, who came to prepare the world for Jesus to come and Juan did just that in his own "hip-comf" way for me today.
"We are all justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement. Through faith in his blood." -Romans 3:24-25
"For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." - Romans 7:22-25
At some point, the pragmatic brain fails us. It is at this point that we have to look at the snake and be open to how Christ's love will heal us. All we have to say is
...Let's Make a Deal
Listening to the "It's Blitz" album by the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's
I recommend these three songs while you read if you like:
Runaway
Skeleton
Soft Shock
This week made me fully aware of the struggle that the author, Paul talks about in Romans 7. How sometimes you can't make life do what you think you want for it to work:
8 But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment (rules of life), produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9 Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate, that is what I end up doing. -selected from Romans 7
 |
| Me, Me, Me, Me, etc. |
You know those pictures on facebook that show all the facial expressions and you are supposed to tag-match each friend to their appropriate emoticon? Well, I will post one, because I know my mom will not know what I am talking about and I am hoping that she will read this post eventually...so, this thing:
Well, I have expressed each of those little faces to my tried and true husband THIS week.
I was gonna blog about it, but I didn't want to be THAT blogger...and also, every time I tried, I ended up realizing my logic was more optimistic than realistic, so I didn't.
In the true spirit of pragmatism, instead of the spirit of blogging, I went to a movie:
It's Kind of a Funny Story (I especially like 1:35 and 2:23)
There is a quote in the movie where Craig is trying to help Bobby figure out his positive qualities and they come up with pragmatic. He's trying to gain access to a shelter upon being released from the mental ward so that he doesn't have to be homeless, so he can get his "accountant's" daughter back...I don't wanna give anything away, so that is all I will say. Point being, that is why I started inserting the word "pragmatic" into as many sentences as possible this week and especially when referring to my husband because he looks exactly like Zach Galifianakis and is actually, quite pragmatic himself.
Trying to be more pragmatic so that I wouldn't be as crazematic, I hung out with friends, cleaned my house, cooked a lot, practiced scales and Bach, taught a bassoon lesson, hung ten with W baby, went to Sam's, went grocery shopping and...
 |
| Brock/Zach |
I was invited to participate in a garage sale today...well, I invited myself, who ever knows how these things happen.
I spent the majority of Thursday and Friday getting stuff together for the sale - I was gonna turn things around for myself. I was going to clean, wake up early and facilitate people's access to treasures!I was up until 2:30 putting prices on things after watching the Rangers game while playing Power Grid with friends. All are very important parts to my pre-garage sale routine. I think, this was, in all honesty...my first time to actually donate and sell my own stuff at a garage sale.
Things were going great. People were buying old lotions, old women were hulking over me wide-eyed while I pulled out unopened gift sets from a cardboard box...it was really happening...I was part of one of the "good ones."I had this tv that I wanted to sell.
 |
| Re-enactment of Sony TV on table at Garage sale |
It was outdated and it was really heavy.
To make a long story short, I dremeled a lock, borrowed my mom's car, almost injured myself and W baby lifting it from the storage unit floor onto the moving cart with no breaks and then, in an act of supernatural strength, lifted it into my mom's car, then set it up just right on the table at the garage sale and debated over the asking price, $50??? (too high - people won't ask lower and I would go lower), $25??? (too low), $35??? (I think people will just ask $30 if I put that), $40??? (ok. That sounds approachable and I would go down a bit from there, $40 it is.)
As I am walking away from a tarp full of toiletries and old t-shirts looking at my phone to text Buster, I pull out my money to count and look for change. I have already made $41 bucks!!! Holy cow. It's only like 9am. This is fun and awesome and I feel great.
It is around this time I notice my MIL pointing a young-ish man wearing "Hip-Comf" in my direction.
"Hip-Comf" - slightly thought out, young person clothing that is fitted while maintaining it's Prime Objective of being comfortable. Worn for occasions where you need to be approachable and in touch, but warm and fuzzy at the same time. "Hip-Comf."
 |
Let's call him Juan. |
Juan: "Will you take $10?"
Me: "$20?? and I can prove that it will work."
"I cannot return. I will not drive all the way back if it breaks."
"I promise you...
"$10?"
"How about "$15?"
"No. I mean, you know? I will not come back, once I buy...I do not come back."
"Well, ok. I will just wait for someone else then. Thank you."
...pause...Juan walks away...
Juan returns, "$12?"
"Ok. You can just take it for $12..."
Then money - a big wad of it. Words. $1's. Hands. Fanny packs. $20's...$5's...
Juan exits stage left, truck. I look down and I am holding $23.
No money in my pocket. No money in the change makin' fanny pack.
Just...
23 dollars.
MIL and I review the transaction. I start feeling sick. I realize I am making a Michael Scott type of awkwardness for the other treasure hunters, so I decide to get in the car and return my mom's car that I had borrowed to hawl the tv and other garage sale peripherals. I continue to review the transaction. I start to feel my brain turning into ever-tightening static. I can't stop being mad, upset, sad. I can't stop thinking about all the work I had done for the garage sale and how cheap I was letting stuff go just to have my "Big-Ticket Item" ripped from my hands along with my money. I couldn't stop thinking about that guy and the wrong he had committed me. When he said he liked my Ray-Bans was he really saying, "You clearly don't need my money, and I should get your tv."
I couldn't quiet it.
"Stop! Don't worry about it! Don't let him have your day as well as your money." nothing worked. I was sad, unstoppably sad. I was degrading and I was degrading pretty fast. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe I just hate the smell of eggs...stop.
"Jesus, take my stupid brain away." I cried at the changing red light.
I got to my mom's house and *hug* and *hi. oh, fine. you?* and *French Toast sandwiches with chocolate inside* and *inhale smell of said deliciousness* and
"I got swindled." :( ):
that is a frown followed by a mirrored empathetic frown given by my mom
"I just don't know how to be ok. I can't figure out what happened. If I don't make that $20 back it will ruin my day. Ughh. I wish I could just not think about it."
Dad: "You were victimized. He wronged you. It is ok."
then he told me a very interesting, but too long to post story about my Papa's tactics against swindlers in his restaurant. "...He just shut the register..." "One at a time..."
*quiet*
Mom: *reaches in top drawer of cabinet and pulls out a twenty and hands it to me.
Me: "No, mom. It wasn't your fault. I don't need your money. I just want to be ok in my head."
Mom: *insisting
Dad: *Gets wallet out and pulls out a $10
Me: "No, I don't want the money. It's not...
Dad: *Gives mom the ten.
*it is better and we eat...
After the toast and a couple of bites of "extra-crispy/blackened" bacon, I head back to the sale. I think about what my parents just did, how they fixed me. How they heard my concern for what it was, not the money - not even the guy, but the justice.
The fact that my excitement was killed, my joy was stripped from me by the wrong of this Juan guy. He doesn't even deserve to be worried over. I know this, and I just feel my dad lowering his eyebrows and flattening his smile as I imagine myself complaining again to my MIL. I won't do it.
I will enjoy this day BECAUSE of what they did for me. They paid to me the price I was stuck paying because of something I couldn't control, so I wouldn't have to pay it for the rest of the day.
This is exactly what Christ did. This is the gospel of Jesus Christ as it affected me today.
There are tons of verses that apply here...just go to blueletter.com and look up the word "salvation" or "propitiation" or "gospel" - but, because I don't like to be too predictable, I will go with this one:
"As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness even so must the Son of man be LIFTED UP. - John 3:14
They were getting eaten by these snakes and God told Moses to make a brass snake and lift it up. If the Israelites simply looked at the snake they would be healed from the wounds inflicted upon them by the other snakes. Lifting up the snake was an act of obedience on the part of Moses, looking at the snake that Moses lifted up was an act of faith on the part of the Israelites.
Today, I simply had to let my mom and dad demonstrate Christ to me (she held up the brass snake) and by allowing her to love me, I was healed. The implications of this are significant.
I started out by talking about Romans 7, Paul describes how he is always wanting to do one thing, but really wanting to do another (*imagine the struggle of eating healthy, verse eating delicious non-healthy things - this is a similar struggle to what I was dealing with life problems.) In Romans 8 he starts to piece some things together, here is a summary of what Paul, Juan and my parents taught me today.
Everyone sins. (Romans 3:23)
No one doesn't sin. (Romans 3:10-18)
The price of sin is death [as set by God], but God offers life through the act of Jesus. (Romans 6:23)
The act was Jesus dying for us and paying the price of our sin...(Romans 5:8)
If you can recognize in your heart that Jesus paying that price really fixed your hurts, and you are willing to admit it with your mouth, things WILL GET BETTER. -Romans 10:9
I had to stay in tune with my feelings while talking to my parents so that I could honestly examine what I could control and what I couldn't and so that I could recognize when I felt things ease up. Self examination is another topic for another day, but being completely aware of your true feelings so that you relinquish your emotions of the powers they hold over your mind...that's kind of the idea.
So, Paul continues, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." (Romans 10:13)
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." (Romans 5:1)
"THEREFORE, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
 |
| Christ love in the form of Chocolate stuffed French Toast |
I found this button on a Christian web site:
They wanted you to push it and then enter a bunch of personal details so that they could pray for you and send you emails about Jesus. As much as I don't like the fact that it existed on that website as a type of polling mechanism, It applied to me today. I mean to say, I started accepting him a long time ago, but because I accepted and believed Christ through the love, generosity and gentleness of my parents today, I was healed from myself, from Juan and from just a couple other things that I can't talk to YOU about.
I used the name Juan because of the obvious ease of insertion into puns (as seen above), the guy had a Mexican-sounding accent, but most importantly because John was the man, in the Bible, who came to prepare the world for Jesus to come and Juan did just that in his own "hip-comf" way for me today.
"We are all justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement. Through faith in his blood." -Romans 3:24-25
"For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." - Romans 7:22-25
At some point, the pragmatic brain fails us. It is at this point that we have to look at the snake and be open to how Christ's love will heal us. All we have to say is
...Let's Make a Deal
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